Review: ‘Dirty Grandpa’ Is a Meaningless Excursion

dirty grandpa review

It’s clear that director Dan Mazer has essentially given up on breaking new ground with his comedies, of which he’s normally been a cowriter. I Give it a Year and Borat were the two relevates that, despite their flaws, gave mass audiences a reason to laugh at its seasoned actors.

I had hoped that Dirty Grandpa would do the same trick with Robert De Niro and Zac Efron, two genuinely funny actors that seem perfect for each other. But aside from a pair of somewhat amusing gags, Dirty Grandpa is sadly a raunchy disaster on par with Bruno and The Dictator.

Dick (played by De Niro) pressures his uptight grandson, Jason (Efron) into driving him to Florida after his wife’s funeral. Feeling free from the burdens of his marriage, Dick acts out in every sick way possible to make up for lost time, hoping that Jason loosens up as his wedding approaches.

As you can imagine, everyone in Jason’s life  back home (including his cartoonishly evil and neurotic fiancé played by Julianne Hough) is a bizarre caricature of modern white culture. Dick serves to be his foil, featuring a loud and obnoxious De Niro who says whatever he wants, which is supposed to be funny for some reason.

While this type of brainless comedy is watchable for some potty-humor audiences, it’s painful for attentive eyes looking for a coherent meaning. Throughout, the movie scolds white people, black people, gay people, and everyone else, in order to send the message that all people are repellant in one way or another. We just have to thoroughly insult and demean each other to feel enlightened (it doesn’t help that two different characters make the same Terminator joke in two separate scenes, assuring us that Mazer had little control over this script).

It makes little sense what’s deemed “permissible” or philosophically “good” in the world of Dirty Grandpa. So it’s impossible to understand or connect with any of the characters, including Dick. A key scene involves Dick taking Jason aside to tell him something disgusting, then he leaves it at that, saying “That’s it.”

Right. That’s this movie. Someone taking you aside and telling you something wildly inappropriate for the sake of shocking you into a laugh. If that’s not your thing, then stay as far away from Dirty Grandpa as possible.

I’m going to give Dirty Grandpa a D. 

To be fair, it would take a lot of terrible movies to ruin De Niro’s legacy, but it’s hard for me to accept that for scores of new audiences, this could be their first time seeing the actor on the big screen. And that’s such a shame.

 

I’m Jon and thanks for reading this. You can subscribe to my posts by clicking “Follow” in the right sidebar. Or just say hey on Twitter! @JonNegroni

Snarcasm: I Hate The New ‘Suicide Squad’ Movie Because It Exists

suicide squad trailer

A new Suicide Squad trailer dropped this week, and pretty much everyone is in love with it. Everyone, that is, except for a few holdouts who are still complaining about Jared Leto for some reason.

I love Jay from IndieRevolver. For those of you who don’t know, he runs the site and posts frequently as himself.

He has a lot of personality, which makes his writing fun to read. And since his latest piece about Suicide Squad trailer called out fans to defend it, I decided to give him the Snarcasm treatment. Because as you all know, I only do that to people I either dislike tremendously or respect tremendously.

Sorry, Jay. You had to know this was coming. Just maybe not from me…

Headline!

The New Suicide Squad Trailer is Here! …Cool?

 

Well, yeah.

Even if you don’t like the way the movie looks so far, I think it’s easy to find it cool that an actual Suicide Squad featuring lesser-known DC Comics favorites is coming to theaters in August.

But if that’s not good enough…Sweet!

Wayne’s World used the song better…

I don’t get this complaint. Both movies used it in their trailer, so they used the song the same way. Or is Jay just trying to make the argument that he likes a movie that’s been out for 23 years more than one he hasn’t seen yet? Either way, I think Wayne’s World is a weird rubric to judge our comic book movies by.

Maybe instead we should compare the music of Batman and Robin to this trailer, except everyone secretly hums Kiss From a Rose every time the light hits the gloom on the gray, so Jay’s point is actually strengthened.

Seriously, what the hell is this movie?

A movie we can’t peg yet. That means it’s different. Which means it’s exciting.

With each successive piece of this DC puzzle, I feel like we are front row for a slow motion train derailment.

From two trailers and a handful of marketing posters? I’m glad you don’t drive trains in real life, or you’d really start to freak out over nothing.

I like David Ayer and the cast he’s assembled, but nothing about this looks good at all.

“I like everything about it except for the part where things happen.”

OK, that’s unfair, but my point is that we’ve still seen very little of what the movie actually is, which Jay already pointed out above. How can you not get any value out of anything that’s being shown so far?

What would it take to please you, Jay? (Sofia Vergara voice) JAY?!

The Joker looks like a Hot Topic ad from 2000 had a baby with a Joel Schumacher directed Batman film. 

Yeah! The Joker should look, um, normal instead.

Also, I’m pretty sure I’ve never met anyone who likes Hot Topic AND is hardcore enough to have tattoos. Green hair, maybe.

I can’t think of anything I want to see less than this Joker sharing the screen with the autotuned voice of Ben Affleck.

First off, even Cinemablend agrees with me that Batfleck’s voice is downright sexy. Also, how dare you?

There are at least billions of things I want to see less than Jared Leto and Ben Affleck sharing screen time in a comic book movie. Like Ben Affleck and Christian O’Donnell sharing a screen together at all, for example.

Margot Robbie’s Harley Quinn looks like the ONLY reason to watch this film.

This cracks me up. Mostly because the majority of the trailer is centered around Harley Quinn’s humor and insanity. Sure, other characters pop up, but she’s clearly the driving force. So, shouldn’t you love this trailer more?

Theoretically the DC films should be for me. Growing up I leaned toward the DC heroes more than Marvel, but these films all look terrible,

I think the problem (and I don’t say this lightly) is you, Jay. Because everything about this trailer screams the DNA of DC.

For one thing, it’s full of camp. And don’t tell me as a DC fan that Batman comics aren’t incredibly exaggerated on purpose. Also, you’re complaining about a trailer where a machine gun from a helicopter fires in sync with Bohemian Rhapsody. And it’s not good enough for you? JAY?!

We can argue about whether or not this new Joker walks the line between madness and camp. That’s a fair argument, and we haven’t seen enough to feel OK about it. But don’t tell me a movie where Harley Quinn rattles on about the voices in her head after we just watched Beard Smith fire rounds from his arms on top of a police car “doesn’t look good at all.”

which is sad because I want to love them so much.

Clearly.

But they lose me more as each new piece is revealed.

I think he’s also referencing the Dawn of Justice trailer, which I can agree seems a bit worrisome. Too much is revealed and Lex Luthor looks hit or miss. But come on, Jay, don’t tell me you didn’t hear the Justice League theme song when the Trinity walked in slow motion toward Doomsday. Don’t lie to me, Jay.

Who is actually excited for these DC films?

Pretty much everyone except for you and Donna Dickens. And bless her, but Dickens’ only real criticism is something we can’t even judge until the movie comes out.

Someone please explain it. Bring me back.

I guess it’s up to me.

clears throat

Jay. I want to talk to you about two little movies called Guardians of the Galaxy and Ant-Man. Now, I know these were made by a different studio, but let’s be honest. DC is clearly studying these guys like a test that’s in 15 minutes.

When the first trailer for Guardians of the Galaxy came out, people were in two camps:

“Oh, this looks interesting. I’ll probably see it.”

“What? This is weird and has never really been done before. So it’ll be a disaster.”

Now, when every trailer for Ant-Man came out, people were in two camps:

“Oh, this looks interesting. I’ll probably see it.”

“What? This is weird and has never really been done before. So it’ll be a disaster.”

What about Fantastic Four? What did people say about that movie?

“Human Torch is black?”

“Give the rights back to Marvel.”

So fret not, Jay. Because even if Suicide Squad isn’t some sort of reincarnation of The Dark Knight, or worse, even if Dawn of Justice is somewhat disappointing, neither movie will be as bad as Fantastic Four.

Oh, and they’ll be (like I said earlier) different.

Not original, obviously, but different. And different is interesting. Maybe it’s a little unsettling. Maybe it’s not necessarily good. But it’ll probably be worth your time.

Besides, we all know you’re going to watch it.

 

Hey! If you’ve come across a silly article that deserves the Snarcasm treatment, send it my way via Twitter or the comments below!

I’m Jon and thanks for reading this. You can subscribe to my posts by clicking “Follow” in the right sidebar. Or just say hey on Twitter! @JonNegroni

Retronalysis: ‘Meet the Parents’ Features De Niro at His Most Humorous

meet the parents retronalysis

The success and talent of Robert De Niro will never be understated, thanks to his legendary performances in Raging BullThe Godfather: Part 2, and many more (notice these are curiously dramatic roles).

But we’ve seen a curious trend arising in De Niro’s latest movie choices (aside from his David O. Russell projects), such as Grudge MatchLast Vegas, and now, Dirty Grandpa. In some of these movies, De Niro is paired with a younger, but talented actor, such as Anne Hathaway in Nancy Meyers’ The Intern.

And now, for better or (probably) worse, Dirty Grandpa sees him acting alongside Zac Efron.

This shouldn’t be too surprising. After all, Efron can be compared just as easily to Ben Stiller, who starred with De Niro in one of his best comedies, Meet the Parents, which is actually a remake of a 1992 film of the same name. Like Stiller, Efron has proven his comedic chops with films like Neighbors and…oh.

Unlike the dark comedies of De Niro’s early career (BrazilThe King of Comedy, etc.), Meet the Parents gave us a more lighthearted and absurd performance from the actor, in no small part thanks to his co-star credit, Ben Stiller.

When the film came out in 2000, it was an instant hit with both critics and audiences. But does it stand the test of time and two atrocious sequels?

meet the parents retronalysis

Directed by Jay Roach (Austin Powers and recently Sisters and Trumbo), Meet the Parents is about an unlucky guy named Greg (Stiller) who meets his girlfriend’s extended family during her sister’s wedding. He gets caught up in a web of small, social lies that put him in the crosshairs of his girlfriend’s disquieting father, Jack (De Niro), who puts the pressure on him as an increasing amount of unfortunate events get blamed on Greg’s hapless antics.

Aside from De Niro, Stiller is one of the best things about Meet the Parents, as it should be. For whatever reason, Stiller is able to make slapstick comedy seem genuine and earned, which is a trait he also pulled off in the equally funny movie, There’s Something About Mary.

Stiller’s character straddles the line of “everyman” and “deviant,” which is no easy task. His subtle, occasional slip into deviancy is mostly relatable, as you can understand why he’s so prone to telling Pam’s family a bunch of nonsense to make himself seem better in their eyes. He’s a nurse, but with no real prospects, especially compared to De Niro’s sordid, later-revealed past in the CIA (which serves as another great intimidation tactic that elevates the comedy).

As you can expect, De Niro also nails his performance, a trick not many other actors could match. He’s obviously the antagonist, but he has to be somewhat likable for us to root for Greg getting his approval. We end up loving Jack for all of his tender moments with Jinx and the family, the clear sign that retirement has made him feel less relevant in his kids’ lives, and all matter of other characterization that makes Jack sympathetic and believable.

meet the parents retronalysis

And the strangest thing about Meet the Parents is how much scope it lends to some extremely uncomfortable subject material, notably with the mixing of religions and class during the iconic dinner scene. Sitting at their table, Greg (a non-devout Jew) is socially compelled into praying for the food, a moment that adds unspeakable tension to an already unsettling scene. Of course, this only escalates further with some cat-milking anecdotes and the destruction of Jack’s mother, but the laughs don’t diminish the harsh realities gleaned from moments like that prayer.

This could have easily been a terrible movie, trying too hard to channel what made the Farrelly Brothers’ There’s Something About Mary work so well. But Meet the Parents never lets up with its unique brand of social and familial humor, even if it somewhat loses its creative stride by the ending.

Speaking of which, the only notable flaws in Meet the Parents are mostly forgettable. After a while, it’s easy to grow tired of the constant structure of Greg and Jack’s back and forth, which loses its variation by the third act. Audiences did get to the point where they just wanted Greg to dump Pam and just cut his losses.

Some of the jokes don’t work as well as the others, and some of the gags are too obvious for people not to see coming well in advance, including the vase scene mentioned earlier. But what does work in Meet the Parents works tremendously, and it has a fair share of memorable quotes and lines that people still love to quote 16 years later.

meet the parents retronalysis

For that reason, Meet the Parents will be remembered as one of De Niro’s best comedies, and I consider it his best modern comedy by far.

I’m going to give Meet the Parents a B+

Next week, I’ll be exploring the Kung Fu Panda movies as they lead up to the new installment, Kung Fu Panda 3. Until then, be sure to subscribe for other editorial content, podcast episodes, and more.

Thanks for reading this! You can subscribe to my posts by clicking “Follow” in the right sidebar. Or just say hey on Twitter: @JonNegroni

Which is Better? ‘The Revenant’ Vs. ‘The Hateful Eight’

hateful eight better revenant

The Revenant is a two-and-a-half hour western that pushes the limits of cinematography and brutality in modern film.

The Hateful Eight is a three-hour western that pushes the limits of characterization and brutality in modern film.

On the surface, these movies seem very similar in terms of setting and tone, which is why many people have been comparing them in recent weeks. The truth is that these films have just as many differences as they do similarities. For example, The Revenant is a film mostly devoid of dialogue in favor of grander set piece moments. In contrast, most of The Hateful Eight is composed  dialogue, and its story rarely steps out of the confines of a small inn.

Another difference is even clearer. The Revenant is one of the most celebrated films of 2015, earning a sweep of coveted Oscar nominations, including Best Picture, Best Actor, and Best Cinematography (among others). The Hateful Eight was almost entirely snubbed.

But does that mean The Revenant is the better film?

My gut answer is no, without pause. The Hateful Eight is my favorite movie of 2015, with The Revenant coming nowhere near the top of my list. I thought it was above average, but nothing truly special as a whole.

Am I right about this? Or has the Academy done a better job analyzing these two films? That’s what we’re about to find out in this week’s Which is Better. I’ll break these movies down by category, evaluating which one edges out the other.

Starting with:

BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY

hateful eight better revenant

I decided to keep this category as broad as possible, allowing for both films to be merited based on how artistic they are. And this is no easy decision.

Emmanuel Lubezki was the cinematographer, again working with Alejandro Gonzalez Iñárritu after their collaboration on Birdman. And the results are pretty much the same, as film, every shot of The Revenant is downright gorgeous and even revolutionary, with the entirety of the film being shot in natural light.

Quentin Tarantino (director of The Hateful Eight) also got help from an old friend of his, Robert Richardson, who is the cinematographer behind Kill Bill, Inglorious Basterds, and Django Unchained.

And in some ways, the cinematography of The Hateful Eight is just as revolutionary, as it was shot in Ultra Panavision 70 and Kodak VISION 3. Its limited release 70mm format is an experience that’s been missing from cinema since 1966’s Khartoum.

But what makes The Hateful Eight even more unique is how this 70mm format and wide aspect ratio is utilized. In the past, this type of filmmaking was popular when massive epics like Ben Hur needed that extra wide angle to show off large scale and spectacular settings. The Hateful Eight only has a handful of scenes that devote the sweeping 70mm shot to scenery, and it’s merely used to demonstrate the isolation of the characters.

Surprisingly, the majority of The Hateful Eight actually takes place indoors, which might seem like a waste of this compelling format. Yet it works incredibly well because the wide aspect ratio gives you the novel experience of a murder mystery dinner theater.

For that reason, The Hateful Eight pulls off what could have been a cheap gimmick in one of the most creative ways possible. Still, that doesn’t make it the more beautiful film.

After all, very few people actually saw The Hateful Eight in this 70mm format, unlike the widespread distribution of The Revenant. It just doesn’t stand on its own in the same way, and from a technical standpoint, The Revenant is a more stunning movie, with entire set pieces devoted to showing off Lubezki’s incredibly unique vision.

It’s a tough one, but I have to credit Lubezki for crafting a masterwork from such a grim premise and location. The Hateful Eight is also superb, but it’s just not on the same level.

The Revenant gets the first point.

BEST ACTING 

hateful eight better revenant

Leonardo DiCaprio’s hunt for an Oscar has truly become a legendary joke among movie buffs and mainstream audiences alike. In fact, much of the popularity surrounding The Revenant can arguably be explained by the widespread desire for people to see if this is his year.

And in a lot of ways, I agree with them. The Revenant absolutely showcases DiCaprio at his best, proving he’s one of the most talented actors alive. But it’s strange to root for him when you consider how little dialogue and (in some ways) character he ultimately adds to his role as Hugh Glass.

Granted, dialogue isn’t everything, and its lacking certainly doesn’t diminish the obvious commitment on DiCaprio’s part. It’s just hard to praise an actor who stares at the camera at one point, as if to Jedi Mind Trick the Academy into giving him his due.

Of course, there’s one other highlight from The Revenant, and that’s Tom Hardy’s performance as Fitzgerald. In my opinion, Hardy was vastly more memorable and entertaining, and he easily had the best quotes of the movie (not that it was much of a competition).

The Hateful Eight is almost all character, on the other hand. And that’s saying something about a movie that doesn’t really have a lead actor or actress. You’d think this would hurt its chances, but it’s actually quite admirable how well the ensemble performs with limited screen time devoted to each character.

To be fair, a few of these characters are overshadowed by the true heavyweights: Samuel L. Jackson, Walton Goggins, Kurt Russell, and Jennifer Jason Leigh all deliver extraordinary performances. If we were judging this category solely by classic one-liners, this would be an easy choice.

It’s a tough because The Revenant only has the performances of DiCaprio and Hardy to make its case, while The Hateful Eight benefits from several incredible performances offered by a much better cast, overall.

Unfortunately, you can’t weigh this choice on the sum of good performances, so I have to give this one to The Revenant. Both DiCaprio and Hardy drove their movie, while the real star of The Hateful Eight actually felt like Tarantino himself most of the time.

Second point goes to The Revenant.  

BEST CHARACTERS

hateful eight better revenant

Ah, but which movie has the best characters?

This is much easier, thanks to the horrid miscasting of Domnhall Gleeson as Captain Henry in The Revenant. Aside from Fitzgerald, none of the side stories in this movie had me wanting more (except more of Fitzgerald, perhaps).

But The Hateful Eight excels in a big way when it comes to its ensemble, as I mentioned in length earlier. You can make the argument that Michael Madsen should have been swapped out, or that Tim Roth was trying too hard to channel Christoph Waltz (an argument I wouldn’t make, personally).  But virtually everyone else in the cast was indispensable.

Aside from casting, the characters in The Hateful Eight were simply more entertaining to watch. They had multiple dimensions (usually hidden) compared to the gruff and simple survivalists in The Revenant. They actually had character arcs and grew as the film went, notably Walton Goggins’ as the Sheriff.

While the performances in The Revenant were more proficient overall, the characters in The Hateful Eight were vastly more interesting, compelling, and memorable.

The Hateful Eight wins this point handily.

BEST SCORE

hateful eight better revenant

I’ll make this quick, since many of you probably haven’t had a chance to study the score yet.

First, you’ll notice that The Revenant didn’t get an Academy Award nomination for Best Score, simply because the composer violated one of the rules for qualifying.

That said, The Hateful Eight also didn’t get nominated, despite Ennio Moriicone crafting one of his best scores in years. What to do?

I actually had to listen to the score for The Revenant after seeing the movie, because I simply forgot all of it. In contrast, I was hooked by the overture of The Hateful Eight (so, before the movie even started).

Aside from that, the song choices littered throughout were masterfully chosen by Tarantino, giving us even more reasons to rewatch the film for new meanings.

The score for The Revenant is fine and all, but it pales in comparison to The Hateful Eight, which gets the point.

BEST STORY 

hateful eight better revenant

The score is tied, and only one category remains. Between The Revenant and The Hateful Eight, which movie has the better story?

It goes without saying that both movies have simplistic set ups. The Revenant is about a hardy (no pun intended) frontiersman looking for revenge against the men who left him for dead. The Hateful Eight boils down to a group of outcasts being forced to spend time together during a blizzard.

The settings, characters, and action are what truly drive the story for both of these movies, though in their own unique ways. And what’s even more interesting is how both movies virtually eschew the typical three-act structure, to varying success.

Let’s just get this out of the way. My biggest complaint with The Revenant was, in fact, its story. Though the first act is incredibly strong with its one-two punch, the movie descends into an overlong and under-edited mess.

The story takes no significant turns, instead pitting more and more obstacles against the main character until none remain. So by the time the final climax came to a head, I had already lost all interest in the plight of Hugh Glass. In a way, I was sort of rooting for Fitzgerald. And nature. And everyone else, really.

hateful eight better revenant

Part of my issue with The Revenant was how Iñárritu handled a lot of the characterization of Hugh Glass himself. To break up the action, the writers used flashbacks and daydreams to further explain why we should care about Glass. These moments were probably meant to give us a chance to catch our breath, but they were ultimately too confusing and surreal for most people to grasp.

It’s not that these sequences were hard to understand, by the way. The issue is that using conceptual and abstract storytelling to explain a character who himself is incredibly abstract (thanks to his lack of dialogue and seemingly mythic constitution) is utterly ineffective.

The Hateful Eight couldn’t be more different. Tarantino’s screenplay for this film is a work of art, on the same level as Lubezki’s cinematography for The Revenant.

Every chapter of The Hateful Eight has a clear purpose, with each interaction between each character building toward a shocking finale that few will see coming. It’s a story that’s so engrossing, I found myself amazed that it had been three hours, not thirty minutes.

More importantly, this was a story I had never experienced. The Revenant had one-of-a-kind visuals, but its revenge story was based on a very loose adaptation of a true story. Not much of The Revenant is very surprising or jaw-dropping, save for a few spectacular “pretty” moments that aren’t well-connected.

The Hateful Eight, on the other hand, was far more original and difficult to interpret. It took a lot of analysis and critical thinking for me to find the deeper meanings masquerading as nihilism. The result, which I won’t spoil for the sake of those who haven’t seen the movie, is the simple fact that The Hateful Eight is the product of a master storyteller.

THE VERDICT

hateful eight better revenant

My final decision is that The Hateful Eight is better than The Revenant. Obviously not in every respect, as the latter has superior cinematography and more remarkable performances.

But the characters, score, and story push The Hateful Eight forward by a wide margin in their own right. So much about so much of this movie just works to near perfection, even on the note of cinematic experience. I like to bring this up a lot with these Which is Better articles, but I tend to judge a lot about a movie based on how I left the theater after watching it.

Though its easy to write off these moments as “gut reactions,” there’s truth in evaluating the experience of watching a film. The goal is for me to leave the theater feeling glad I participated in the movie, and The Hateful Eight does that and then some.

The Revenant left me cold, confused for the wrong reasons, and ultimately disappointed. It’s not a bad film, but only because so many disparate elements of it are too exceptional to write off.

So that’s where I stand. What about you? Sound off in the comments if you have something to contribute. And if you have an idea for a new Which is Better topic, be sure to send me your ideas below.

Thanks for reading this! You can subscribe to my posts by clicking “Follow” in the right sidebar. Or just say hey on Twitter: @JonNegroni

 

Review: ’13 Hours’ Is a Punishing Tribute

Michael Bay has a pretty extensive portfolio under his directorial belt, with 13 Hours: The Secret Soldiers of Benghazi being his third project based on real-life events.

Like last year’s American Sniper (which was helmed by Clint Eastwood), 13 Hours is a long action drama that puts recent military heroes at the forefront, documenting (sometimes literally) the events of combat in the Middle East.

While Eastwood positioned Sniper to be something closer to Bigelow’s Hurt Locker, Bay channels Michael Mann for 13 Hours, albeit with all-digital video, his signature action stylization, and some graphic content worthy of the R rating.

Unlike a typical action film by Mann, 13 Hours is a bit of a mess, both in writing and in editing.

The film centers around the GRS, a covert security team dispatched against Lybian rebels during the Benghazi attacks. This is the conflict that ensnared American Ambassador Chris Stevens, and 13 Hours goes to great lengths when it comes to capturing the pure chaos of this true event.

That’s probably the film’s biggest issue. Much of the filmmaking is inventive, and it has some of Bay’s creative set pieces. But it’s jumpier than some of the political conflicts consistently appearing onscreen, with its quick-editing feeling too cumbersome throughout the movie.

13 hours review

Despite the film’s high production value and sometimes startling cinematography, the camera hates to linger on any given moment, always cutting you to the next sequence or possible encounter. While this makes for a good study of what true warfare is like, techniques like this and the dreaded shaky cam make it hard for moviegoers to keep up with 13 Hours during its painfully long running time.

The performances in 13 Hours are about as generic as you’d expect, with Krasinski trying his darnedest to work with Bay’s direction. There are a handful of unique surprises, but the character arcs fail to evolve from the high pedestal these soldiers are put on from the beginning, a common side effect when filmmakers create a tribute of recent events.

You don’t second guess the skill or bravery of the GRS, forcing you to rely on some unbalanced comedic timing (yes, 13 Hours is crammed with quips) and some tell-don’t-show exposition to make you care about each of them. That said, the film will likely succeed overall at making you root for them, since you do want to see these super soldiers unleashing hell.

I’m going to give 13 Hours: The Secret Soldiers of Benghazi a C+

Too many technical issues hold 13 Hours back from being thoroughly entertaining, despite how hard it tries to deliver a touching tribute with some challenging politics and performances. If you’re not a fan of Michael Bay’s style of filmmaking, it’s best to skip this one.

I’m Jon and thanks for reading this. You can subscribe to my posts by clicking “Follow” in the right sidebar. Or just say hey on Twitter! @JonNegroni

Snarcasm: Supreme Leader Snoke Is Secretly Every Character in Star Wars

snoke is vader

This post contains several spoilers for Star Wars: The Force Awakens.

Oh sure, people liked Star Wars: The Force Awakens. But words can’t describe how much people undyingly love coming up with random theories about the movies that offer absolutely no depth outside of: Look! I was right all along and look at me and stuff!

Granted, I posted a theory about TFA just the other day, but at least what I wrote was a character analysis about the film with actual evidence and thought put into it.

What we’ve been getting lately? Well, just read the headline:

Is Supreme Leader Snoke Actually Darth Vader?

There’s an old saying among us Internet writers who’ve been at this for a while. That is, if your headline is phrased as a question, the answer is 99% going to be probably not.

Miraculously, this particular headline’s answer is a resounding are you joking?

Evan Valentine from Comicbook.com proposes this theory, which has gained an expected amount of traction among people like me who accidentally hit the Star Wars clickbait on Facebook thinking it’s actually a recipe video from Tasty.

In a twist that would blindside many,

…for all the wrong reasons…

is it possible that the “big bad” of Star Wars Episode 7: The Force Awakens is in fact a villain that we’re quite familiar with at this point?

Put $30 down for another “He’s Darth Plagueis!” from someone who thinks they’re the first person to suggest this.

A rumor has been rumbling that the ominously massive Supreme Leader Snoke, the puppet master of both Kylo Ren and the First Order, may in fact be none other than the first Sith audiences came to know, Darth Vader!

Easy, Robot Chicken version of Shyamalan.

Also, how is Snoke “ominously massive?” It was clear from the movie that this was just an enlarged hologram, reminiscent of how the Emperor was shown to be a massive floating head in Empire Strikes Back.

While there have been a number of rumors ranging from Snoke being Darth Plagueis,

$30 richer!

 could it be possible that Snoke is a revived Anakin Skywalker, returning from the grave to try once again to “bring balance to the Force”?

How many times is Evan going to ask us what is and isn’t possible? Of course it’s possible, just like if Rian Johnson decided to devote 30 minutes of Episode XIII to a Jar Jar Binks dance number on Cloud City featuring the alien from Mac and Me.

But this is the Internet, so Evan’s main argument is going to be “Well, you internally said it was possible, so that means evidence.”

The biggest piece of evidence we are witness to are the scars on Supreme Leader Snoke’s head and face, pointed out to us by fan Joey Garza.

Who? Seriously, if you’re going to credit this ripoff, at least link to whatever Reddit post Joey threw this in.

Snoke is humanoid, albeit a completely computer generated creation for the film, but seemingly has scars and wounds that are almost identical to the ones that Darth Vader/Anakin Skywalker had underneath his mask and helmet, revealed during the finale of Return of the Jedi.

Hm, OK. This is Snoke:

snoke is vader

 

This is Darth Vader (unmasked):

snoke is vader

Their scars are not “almost identical.” They don’t even have similar-looking heads or facial structures. Evan and the other perpetrators of this “theory” just looked at one scar and said “Close enough for half the Internet to believe this!”

Obviously, we know how Anakin received his scars, but we have no clue as to what happened with Snoke.

But who needs watching the movies over the next few years to find out. We have to pointlessly speculate with little-to-know evidence at our disposal. That’ll show Disney for trying to surprise us with silly things like plots and writing.

Their placement and appearance is downright shockingly identical

If you’re looking through the goggles of Maz Kanata, maybe.

While Snoke and Vader’s scars are similar, it could also be a method used by Snoke in order to have gotten closer to Ben Solo, eventually turning him into the monster that is Kylo Ren. Rather than actually being Vader, Snoke could have modeled his appearance after Vader’s to play on the young, inexperienced force wielder’s admiration for Anakin Skywalker

So the guy “pretending to be Vader” is going by a different name…and says nothing while Kylo Ren worships the helmet of the real Vader. Yeah, that makes perfect sense.

Darth Vader could potentially have come back, leading a new empire to finish what Palpatine had started in the original trilogy.

Did…did you see Return of the Jedi? Like you know what that movie is? The one where Darth Vader turns good in the end (late spoiler) and kills Palpatine?

The Plagueis story in the prequels leads credence to Vader returning from the grave,

Oh yes, the story of the Sith Lord who could prevent death in others, but failed to prevent his own death. Yeah, I’m sure that’s what lead Vader to reviving himself.

 This is however 30 years after the original trilogy, and Vader was looking quite worse for wear when all was said and done then, imagine how he’d look now and you might think of a figure close to Supreme Leader Snoke.

Yeah, especially after Luke and friends burned his entire corpse. But don’t let that little tidbit get in the way of your “evidence.” There has to be a reason, after all, why Hayden Christensen is the actor who shows up as a Force Ghost instead of Sebastian Shaw. He was busy reviving himself thinking, “Oh no! I do love Palpatine and need to turn Han’s son against him! I guess this will take 30 years.”

Kylo Ren’s devotion to both Darth Vader and Supreme Leader Snoke would also lead to the idea that they were one in the same, 

I’ll be sure to let my grandfather know he’s let me down for not being Tom Brady.

During all the events of the original trilogy, there was never even a hint that there was some older Sith who was biding his time, so the idea that Snoke is an already existing character isn’t a fantastical one to be sure.

In other words, Evan wants this to be true because having new characters would undermine the original trilogy. Seriously, that is what would undermine the original trilogy, not completely reworking the motivations of the saga’s main character.

And that’s the theory. I know, I could have easily done a takedown of “Rey is a reincarnated Anakin” or “Finn is the son of Yoda.” But for whatever reason, Supreme Leader Snoke has become one of the lynchpins of Star Wars speculation, outside of which character Rey is somehow related to.

Is it because they love Star Wars and want to share their ideas about how everything will play out?

 

Sure, maybe like two of them.

Hey! If you’ve come across a silly article that deserves the Snarcasm treatment, send it my way via Twitter or the comments below!

I’m Jon and thanks for reading this. You can subscribe to my posts by clicking “Follow” in the right sidebar. Or just say hey on Twitter! @JonNegroni

The Profound Relationship Between Chewbacca and Kylo Ren (Spoilers)

chewbacca and kylo ren

Massive spoilers for Star Wars: The Force Awakens litter this post, so read at your own risk.

It’s only been a few weeks since The Force Awakens opened in most theaters, so it’s impressive to discover so many meaningful and poignant conversations going on about the 2 hour film. The more you think about TFA, the more dense this new chapter in the saga becomes.

One of these conversations centers around a more subtle character relationship that might have slipped under your radar. Or you may have noticed it without giving it much thought.

That’s the implied drama between Chewbacca and Kylo Ren.

Character artist, Tyson Murphy (Blizzard Entertainment) illustrated a touching comic that presents this relationship in a beautiful, accessible way. He shared it on his Tumblr page a few days ago, and you can view the high-resolution version below.

chewbacca and kylo ren

The comic starts with the premise that Chewbacca was “Uncle Chewie.” As Han Solo’s lifetime best friend, he would have played some role in the life of Han and Leia’s son, Ben. He would have seen young Ben grow up, brimming with the force like a young Anakin Skywalker.

Of course, the untold story of Ben’s transition to “Kylo Ren” is alluded to here, with Chewbacca feeling incredible loss alongside Ben’s parents (though he’s shown in the comic alone to drive this point home).

Fast forward to the events of TFA, when Kylo Ren impales his own father after hearing his real name again. Chewbacca points his powerful bowcaster at Ren, ready to kill him for this. The action itself happens in just a second, but it’s easy to imagine that Chewie missed the killing shot on purpose, out of sympathy for the child he once knew.

Was this intentional? I think so. The movie repeatedly brings up the power of the bowcaster, and how lethal a single shot can be. Kylo Ren is standing on a catwalk, so almost any other shot would have knocked him off. But it hits him just right, so the blast takes a chunk off his side without letting Ren take the full impact.

I love this take on Chewbacca’s character. He’s incredibly old (Wookies age slower than people), so he’s a lot smarter than he seems to let on. More than that, Chewbacca has developed such a kindred bond with these characters, especially Han. This compelling moment has so much emotion behind it, transforming what might be a straightforward scene into something incredibly complex and worth talking about.

Another question raised by the movie we can sort of put together as fans: Why did Han and Leia name their son “Ben?”

han leia ben kylo

In the expanded universe that was recently nixed by Disney, Luke Skywalker names his son “Ben,” after Ben Kenobi. So it surprised many fans like myself to hear Han Solo shout this name at Kylo Ren.

At first, I thought it was strange for a couple to name their child after a man they knew for only a short time. Han had just met Ben Kenobi, and Leia had only heard of him as “Obi Wan” through her father.

But it does make plenty of sense if you keep thinking about it. Han and Leia met because of Ben Kenobi. He brought them together and ultimately saved their lives on the Death Star by sacrificing himself. Han likely doesn’t have any other positive male role models in his life (that we know of) to name his son after, and the relationship between Leia and her family is told offscreen. So naming their son, “Ben Solo,” actually fits pretty well within this new canon.

Now, if we could just figure out a better way to explain how Rey knew the “Jedi Mind Trick” existed…

I’m Jon and thanks for reading this. You can subscribe to my posts by clicking “Follow” in the right sidebar. Or just say hey on Twitter — @JonNegroni