entertainment

Why A Mass Effect Movie Won’t Work

I played the first Mass Effect game when it was released in late 2007, and I’ve been hooked ever since. I lost weeks of my life to Mass Effect 2, the best of the trilogy in my opinion, and I was one of the less gracious players disappointed with how they ended things with Mass Effect 3.

We’ve known for a while now that Electronic Arts has a movie planned, though rumor has it the movie wouldn’t see daylight for another 5 or 6 years. That’s to be expected for a science fiction epic that is asking for three movies and a massive effects budget.

But I can’t say I’m optimistic about seeing this universe being translated to film, and I promise my reasons are solid, even if you don’t agree with them. Note that I’m not trying to be pessimistic—I just understand how cultural perception and mismanagement of established properties can make even a promising movie taste sour.

The main issue here is that video games have always had a difficult time crossing into non-gaming audiences. We fall in love with the characters we’re playing because the medium is interactive. When studios try to place these characters we’ve invested in into a linear narrative we have no control over, you have a property that no one will relate to.

Non-gamers won’t understand why they should like the character onscreen, and those of us who do know the protagonist feel disconnected from the new persona that has been adapted to the big screen.

This isn’t a problem that can’t be fixed, and I certainly believe Mass Effect could be the exception to the curse of video game movies. It would just take some clever decision-making.

But why, specifically, wouldn’t a Mass Effect movie work the way it’s being planned? It’s hard to say for sure how they’re treating this still-in-pre-production film, but it’s been made clear that the movie franchise will relate to the story of the games.

That means the star will be Commander Shepard, the enemy will be the Reapers and there will have to be some kind of ending that will be different from how you or I played it.

The problem is that the nature of the Mass Effect games was choice. Every play through was unique, set with countless decisions and narrative changes you actively made as Shepard. Did you kill Wrex? Did you sacrifice Ashley or Kaidan? Did you sacrifice the Council?

If they adapt the games, all of these choices will be made for you.

That’s a bad thing because it takes away the biggest draw for these games and removes what made them such a success with gamers. You’re banking it all on the non-gamers who’ve never even heard of Mass Effect, and we all know how that tends to turn out for video game movies.

The tragedy is that the Mass Effect universe really is strong enough to stand on its own as a movie franchise. The lore is complex, the setting is amazing and the series has its own rhythm and personality that sets it apart from what inspired it.

I like to think of Mass Effect as the perfect combination of Star Wars and Star Trek, two of science fiction’s most influential and well-established universes. Mass Effect has the wonder and epic action of Star Wars mixed with the rich storytelling and memorable species of Star Trek (not that either universe is lacking of anything).

But the problem remains: Shepard doesn’t belong onscreen. Not unless you were making an interactive television series where the choices are determined by viewers (maybe through Twitter? Nevermind, bad idea).

Of course, I wouldn’t just complain without some semblance of a solution. I strongly believe that the video game universe of Mass Effect belongs in theaters, just not as they’re planning it. Take away Shepard’s story and replace it with something new.

A prequel.

Let’s make a Mass Effect movie that unearths the territory we barely saw firsthand within the games, which take place years after humanity learns that they are the aliens within a much larger universe. Introduce the world to the Turians through the First Contact War. Make the movie about explorers who fight to find a place for humanity within a universe that sees them as primitive and weak.

Going in this direction wouldn’t be without its own unique challenges, but the fact is that it appeals to both fans of the games and people who don’t know what an Asari is. The bottom line is this: Why make a movie out of something we’d rather play the game of anyway?

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The ‘Zorro’ Reboot Will Probably Make Us Sad

Zorro, our favorite California crime-fighter from the 1800s is coming back in a big way (for the people!) Let’s talk about it.

The Mask of Zorro has always been my favorite adventure movie, even ahead of A Knight’s Tale. Speaking of Heath Ledger, this new reboot—that is actually happening—is planned to emulate a certain franchise the late (and great) Heath Ledger himself elevated: The Dark Knight.

That’s right, the new Zorro is planned to be leaner, grittier and emotional—er. I’m not really sure why.

Because amidst of all of the quasi-realistic adaptations of famous costumed crime-fighters, few have actually been well-received. Yes, Man of Steel was a hit financially, but the cultural significance of the Marvel movies proved to us that you don’t need gritty storytelling to tell a good story.

What worries me is that we’re losing the campy fun and swashbuckling adventure that made me (and many of you) fall in love with Zorro when we were kids. After watching Banderas don the mask twice, I became entranced with the old Zorro movies because it was a proper homage, but what will a “serious” reboot pay tribute to for the next generation?

But we don’t have to be overly negative. There are two primary possibilities: this will either be akin to Batman Begins or Man of Steel.

In other words, it’s either going to be good or just decent.

In the case of Batman Begins, the writers found a great way to shift the dramatic narrative associated with Batman, who is frequently portrayed as a serious character in a goofy world. To put it another way, we got the Batman we deserved.

Then they tried the same thing with Superman, which followed the same basic formula. It was liberal with the story arc, had beards and tried to be as intense as possible, but it didn’t work quite as well. We left theaters feeling underwhelmed, and I’m honestly not sure why.

And that’s my honest fear about what they’re planning to do for Zorro, a character I actually cherish above Superman and Batman (don’t yell at me).

Of course, this won’t be the only iteration of Zorro vying for our attention. You may have also heard about another movie coming out called Zorro Reborn, a sci-fi remix of the original character that plants the Fox in a post-apocalyptic world. I know, but let’s just give it a chance.

What do you think? To reboot or not to reboot? Let me know with a passive aggressive Tweet or comment.

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Drake and Josh Reunite To Make Us Happy Again

It’s a short reunion, but my heartstrings have been plucked nonetheless.

People have been wondering whether or not Drake and Josh will actually be reuniting for a movie, which is a cruel rumor that keeps me awake at night instead of dreaming about Oprah.

Drake is broke, Josh’s movie career has been lukewarm, and Miranda Cosgrove is actively trying to avoid becoming the next Miley Cyrus. If they did a movie, it would probably be a mere shadow of the once great show, but isn’t it worth it for them to try?

And what would the movie or new show be about? If I was a money-making entertainment mogul, here’s what I would pitch:

After graduating high school, Drake and Josh went to different colleges to pursue their dreams. Drake wanted to pursue a musician’s life, but reality thrusted him into pursuing a degree in anthropology.

Josh went on to Berkeley to become a lawyer, but his failed relationship with Mindy drove him to abandoning his dreams of attending law school. Several years have passed, and Drake has just returned home from joining the Peace Corps after failing to understand what he can do with a degree in anthropology. He finds Josh still working at the Premiere as Assistant Manager. 

The duo reunite to find that Megan is now going to UCLA in Los Angeles to pursue her unclear goals. Drake decides that he too wants to move to LA and finally pursue a career in music, and he convinces a begrudging Josh to join him in “taking LA.”

The only problem? The brothers are broke, so they have no choice but to live with their once torturous younger sister in a sorority house where Amanda Bynes is the house leader. Will Drake finally become a famous musician? Will Josh ever become a lawyer and find himself? Will Megan actually murder her “boobish” brothers? This fall, MTV presents: Drake & Josh Take LA. 

It’s a work in progress.

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Theme Mashup Of “Full House” & “House Of Cards” Will Ruin Your Childhood

Enough talking, here’s the video.

Thanks to YouTube genius Adam Holt, we now know that there was a secret subplot to Full House all along, and it coincides perfectly with the Washington D.C. deviancy we have come to love from House of Cards.

Michelle Tanner grew up in a home much unlike anyone else’s. She always wondered why the other kids had a mother, while she had three fathers who came across as bumbling idiots.

One was a failed comedian, the other a paranoid neat freak and the last a shady nightclub owner who always found a reason to switch jobs. No one would bat an eye when he would dismiss them with this chilling line, Have Mercy.

Full House of Cards

Year after year, Michelle continued to watch her life closely, searching desperately for clues to what her family was hiding. There was no way DJ Tanner had gone from a clumsy fool to becoming a hot teenager. There was just no way. All of sudden, Stephanie gave up her dreams to become a dancer for seemingly no reason, never to speak of it again. It was almost as if someone was silencing them.

Full House of Cards

Michelle asked too many questions. Every time she would come in contact with another one of Joey’s girlfriends, they’d disappear—never to be heard from again. Even her father’s fiance vanished without a trace or explanation.

Full House of Cards

But she knew they were smart. Since she was young, they’d kept Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend around just long enough to make it seem like everything was normal. As if Michelle didn’t really need to know what actually happened to her mother.

Full House of Cards

They’d thrown around the easy explanations. Car accident. Stuffed bears as presents. Sappy music mysteriously playing to keep Michelle distracted whenever she inched closer to the truth about Pamela, a woman who looked nothing like her alleged brother.

Eventually, Michelle discovered that someone aside from her manipulative fathers was pulling the strings. They had to be. Uncle Jesse eventually got married, and he tried hard to escape. Michelle could have let him move away from this chaos, but she fooled him into staying. She needed his help, as he was the only person in the family who seemed to let out a subtle cry for help when things took a turn for the unusual. Have mercy.

Full House of Cards

Michelle was getting older, assembling clues left and right. She was close to figuring out this house she had lived in her whole life—nay, been trapped inside her whole life—could mysteriously add completely new levels and living space overnight. It’s impossible, she’d think tossing and turning at night.

Full House of Cards

Pretty small for such a full house…

Speaking to her family directly never worked. She’d ask the tough questions, and when they’d start to deflect, Michelle would have no choice but to disarm them with yet another You got it dude, which really meant, I’ll follow along for now.

Full hosue of Cards

Everything changed when Michelle took up horseback riding. It was a simple enough distraction that she picked up in about three days. For whatever reason, Michelle discovered she had the incredible ability to learn new skills almost instantly, giving her the chance to train herself for escaping this horrid life. She had tried to escape once before with Comet, making it seem as if she had lost him in the city. She failed to slip away, however, so she needed an activity to increase her stamina.

She grew to love horseback riding, and the time had come when she was good enough to go for her escape. With her new enemy-turned-ally, Michelle rode off in the wilderness, but something—or someone—manipulated the horse from a distance, causing it to throw Michelle and incapacitate her.

Full House of Cards

In the hospital, a mysterious figure came across Michelle in her comatose state. We don’t know why or how, but he managed to erase her memories, forever eluding her from the truth. She’d recollect pieces of her memory, even believing for a minute that she had a twin sister. She was so close, and yet so far.

And that was the end of it. Until twenty years later, when Michelle Tanner, now 27, has moved to Washington D.C. to run for Congress. Does she remember past?

You got it dude.

Full House of Cards

This duplicitous, blonde female is out for revenge. She’s going to unravel this Full House of Cards.

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New Promo Confirms “Heroes” Is Returning To NBC In 2015

Titled Heroes: Reborn, NBC’s blockbuster show-turned ratings disaster is coming back for another round with a standalone miniseries.

The 13-episode event series will come packaged with a digital series preceding it, but we don’t know much about the plot or character details yet. Still, we can probably expect some old faces to return or at least be referenced.

Here is the first promo:

You may recall that Heroes was a wildly popular show during its first three seasons, reaching its peak somewhere between the first and second season’s middle. Cut short by the Writer’s Strike in 2007, the second season suffered a plot rewrite that damaged the show’s continuity, a disaster that the writers never seemed to recover from.

By the fourth season, viewers were done. The show became a complicated, boring mess, and the series was cancelled after a cliffhanger in 2010.

But NBC has seen fit to give the superhero show another shot, likely due to the recent success of comic-book superheroes in mainstream movies (think Avengers, and you know where I’m getting at).

One thing Heroes managed to get right was capturing the fun of a comic book, pulling bizarre continuity events that kept us tuning in every week. They lost this along the way, trading interesting characters and powers for recycled plot devices and characters we rapidly got sick of. Not even the salacious villainy of Sylar was enough to keep the show moving.

Will NBC’s revival of the show spawn a new series? That’s certainly the plan, and FOX is definitely trying the same thing out with 24. On the bright side, NBC has had a few years to reflect on where Heroes went wrong and (hopefully) make the changes necessary to put the franchise back in our good graces.

After all, anything’s possible—a lesson we learned from episode 1 of the show in question.

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New Amazing Spider-Man 2 Featurettes That Actually Make The Movie Look Promising

Look, you guys know me pretty well at this point. You know that Spider-man is my favorite superhero ever, and I haven’t been pleased with a single Spidey film since Spider-man 2 seized my heart with mechanical tentacles.

I haven’t been looking forward to TASM2, despite how “action-packed” and “colorful” the trailers have promised it to be. I’ve seen this trickery before courtesy of Spider-man 3, and we all know how that turned out – too many villains and not enough Sam Raimi.

But I’ve decided to be almost optimistic for a minute upon the release of these new featurettes that are currently being shown in the pre-previews for Robocop. They actually show what TASM was lacking: someone who actually resembles Spider-man.

It’s not just about the funny quips and frenetic web-slinging. Spider-man only works as a character when you display his struggle with the price of being a hero. Naturally, the first featurette is titled “The Price Of Being A Hero,” and it addresses the concept pretty gracefully.

Let’s check it out first:

We see Peter Parker and Gwen Stacey’s budding relationship being strained by both Peter’s responsibilities and his promise to Gwen’s father. We’re also teased about Aunt May’s “secrets” concerning Peter’s parents (yeah yeah, we’ve all heard that before).

Oh, and Stacey points out that she’ll be going to London? How many problems does this guy have to deal with?

Well, the next featurette shies away from the drama in favor of the action. And it actually looks pretty good at the moment:

As you can see, we get a glimpse into some of the stunt work being done for the film. They claim that they’re cutting back on the CGI, but I’m skeptical considering they only really showed off one scene…

I will say, however, that the soundtrack here worked for me. It’s no Spider-man 2, but I guess we’ll have to make do.

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Yes, The Scrubs Broadway Musical Is Happening

In 2012, Bill Lawrence had a tough choice to make. Scrubs had run its course on NBC, only to get picked up and slashed again by ABC after 9 great (for the most part) seasons.

So, Bill decided to just turn the concept into a Broadway musical. And everyone rejoiced!

Actually, many of us were skeptical whether or not this thing would actually get made, but a recent interview with Lawrence as revealed honest-to-goodness details surrounding the upcoming project.

Personally,  I am only moderately excited about this (if I even get a chance to see this). As much as I loved the musical episode in Season 6, I’m not quite as sure how well the show will translate fully.

But if any medium can handle the zany, heart-warming antics of the Sacred Heart gang, it’s the Broadway stage. Handling the hectic, diverse sets that are based on a show where half of the scenes take place within J.D.’s fantasies is just one of many obstacles.

And of what of J.D., by the way? It turns out that Zach Braff is actually helping with the project creatively, according to Lawrence. This is clearly for the best, as having too many similarities with the show would feel imbalanced (how could Zach Braff interact with someone who isn’t the REAL Turk?)

That said, Lawrence hinted that there’s a chance we may see Ted’s a capella band reprise their roles, as they happen to be into musical theater as well. Lawrence didn’t, however, mention Judy Reyes (Carla), who has performed on Broadway.

So, what do you think? Will a Scrubs musical be like Scrubs or Scrubs: Med School (the bad version).

P.S. Community could absolutely get away with the same thing…

P.S.S. Here’s just a sample of the musical goodness that is Scrubs!

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