story

Why Didn’t Anyone Tell Me The iPod Was Over?

I got into my car this morning clutching my iPod Nano with a grip only an actor auditioning for a shake weight infomercial would understand.

This is partly because it was 16 degrees outside, but I also like to believe that love had to do with at least some of the rigor mortis contained in my appendages (I don’t like typing the word fingers).

In order to listen to my favorite music this week, which mostly consists of the Frozen soundtrack songs I’m not sick of yet and OneRepublic, I have to plug the iPod into an FM transmitter because I’m poor.

The sweet sounds of a terribly confused snowman start to enter my ear, compelling me to start checking what my iPhone has been up to while the car warms up. Feeling impressed that I haven’t checked the phone in about 12 minutes, I eagerly skim through my Tiny Death Star Updates and which articles my friends are drooling over.

Then it happens. Everything changes.

I see the headline that makes me wish that I checked my phone while I was cleaning my oatmeal dishes, but I didn’t because the therapist says I have a problem.

“The Age of the iPod is Over.” Heading.
“Apple’s Game Changer is Riding into The Sunset.” No.

By Sean Hollister. WHY SEAN??

Thanks to Sean’s ahem “analysis” on The Verge about depressing iPod sales over the holidays, my entire world gets flipped upside down.

He uses things like facts and math to prove that iPhones (no! My iPhone did this??) have “cannibalized” their predecessors. I panic.

Luckily, my hands are close to the iPod Nano, and I shut it off immediately. From what I can tell, no one even heard me using it.

But then something dawns on me. My roommate Kenny left for work just 10 minutes ago…and he’s probably using his iPod to listen to Foxy Shazam as I sit in the car feeling sorry for myself.

So I put the car in gear, even though it’s automatic, and fish-tail it out of our neighborhood, barely swerving in time to prevent an accidental school bus stop story that would have certainly been on the news.

I predict that the traffic will only slow me down, along with the fact that I don’t have any music to pump me up while I’m driving. For the first time in forever, I’m on my own.

But then I remember that there is one place Kenny can’t resist visiting before work, even when he’s running late. I don’t know if it’s because he’s from New Jersey, but the man can’t handle going a day without McDonald’s.

I pull into the parking lot peering over the heads of morbidly obese – I mean pleasantly plump – citizens who cloud my efforts to see Kenny. I then realize that he’s in the drive-thru, and I’ve just missed him.

I get back into my car and manage to pull out into the road in time to see Kenny braking behind a yellow light (obviously) so that he can start chowing down on whatever breakfast burrito combo they’re pushing this week.

I manage to move in close enough to the car to see Kenny, but he’s too busy enjoying disgusting food for me to gain his attention. And then I realize there’s only one solution. One disposable item that I can throw at his car in order to make him realize that life is happening.

I say goodbye to my iPod Nano, briefly revisiting the times we’ve shared. The laughs. The pressing “next” after Amy Winehouse comes on because it’s too painful. Then pressing “back” when I realize my mistake.

But it’s nothing but a memory now. I throw the iPod Nano toward Kenny’s driver side window. I then realize that the window is rolled down, so I have to pick the iPod up again and start over.

The iPod hits Kenny’s window at the moment he puts his mouth to paper that is either yellow because of its manufacturer or because of its content. He pauses. He tilts his head toward the window, getting ready to see just what disturbed his morning ritual. As his eyes set on mine, he squints.

I look him dead in the eye and wait for him to roll down his window. “WHAT?”

I explain the situation in one sentence. “The age of the iPod is over!”

Kenny looks down. Then he looks up. “I don’t have an iPod.”

Thanks for reading! This post was kind of a little fictional, though the emotions were definitely real, especially the original article that was, in fact, written by Sean Morris. Sean….

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What I Learned About Writing From Ian Flemming

Image Courtesy of theparisreview.org

Ian Flemming created one of the most iconic figures of modern times. James Bond. He wrote the original novels that would someday become immortalized in one of film’s biggest, and greatest achievements: the first real franchise for movies.

I recently watched a documentary about the James Bond franchise, called Everything Or Nothing. It’s the full story of how James Bond came to be, both in print and on film, leading up to the release of the latest Bond film, Skyfall. The documentary was definitely fascinating for a Bond fan like me, and you can catch the whole thing on Netflix.

One of the biggest takeaways I took from the documentary was how Ian Flemming became a literary success. He came into writing as the Cold War began, and he went into writing almost like it was his life’s mission to translate his experiences and imagination into a book. The character of James Bond is really what Ian envisioned himself to be, which is why the lore would become such a staple. James Bond represents pure escapism.

When he first wrote the books, he would write over 2,000 words a day, everyday. He would write in very short sentences, the documentary explains, in order to capture the characterization of James Bond. What immediately comes to mind is how this has carried on in every James Bond movie (well maybe not the Timothy Dalton ones), where the titular character responds in short, clever responses to what happens around him.

I obsess over making sure my sentences count, and I prefer to keep them as prolonged as I can without disrupting the flow of what I’m trying to say. With Flemming, we have a writer who understood that this doesn’t always work for characterization.

When crafting dialogue, which is something I’m poor at, it is essential to say as much as you can in very few words. This is a lot like copywriting, but with a twist: the character you’re reflecting has to be believable. This isn’t always the case with advertising, since their time on screen is short. The dialogue of a character in a story, however, has to have a consistent and precise personality.

We see this in James Bond, for sure, especially since Flemming put so much of his own personality into the character. That makes crafting other characters a huge difficulty when writing, which is a main reason why most people are not that great at it. Empathy, understanding, and world-building are key in writing.

There is one more thing I took away from Flemming’s success. When he first wrote the James Bond novels, he made them exactly the way he wanted to. He used themes that would not go over very well with many people, such as the use of womanizing, overt sexual themes, and even sadism. The result was initial backlash.

It would have been easy for Flemming to give up at that point and conform his style of writing in order to please the masses and find success. How many of us have been faced with that decision? Instead, Flemming wrote what he wanted to write, and the ultimate result was that he was a pioneer. His work became legendary because it was something no one had done before.

The whole story of how James Bond became immortalized in film is full of huge risks and gambles, hence the title of the documentary, Everything or Nothing. I highly encourage anyone to see it, whether they be a Bond fan or just a lover of rags to riches stories.

Regardless, I will be sure to write according to these principles inspired upon me from one of the most underrated  writers in his time: Write what you want to write about. Take risks. Put yourself into your work. Make it count.

Of course, putting yourself into your work may not be a great idea if you’re not that interesting. Mean?

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Don’t forget to check out THE JON REPORT every day, updated at 8am for a list of today’s main headlines as selected by my editorial team (me) 

A Different Take on Job Interviews

Most people will tell you what to wear, what time to show up, what to say, and how to shake their hand. All great advice, but here’s something I’ve picked up on. The best way to brand yourself is with stories.

Interviewers want to feel like they’re talking to a real person. Someone who is just reciting memorized words off a script comes off as unable to think on their feet. That’s why stories sell yourself as a person, not just as a candidate. They make you likable because the interviewer is learning more about you through something more relevant than small talk.

Example: an interviewer may ask you why you are applying for the job. An honest answer could be that you think the company has great values and you like the culture. That’s a good answer. Here’s a better one: well I was researching your company and I really wanted to find out what you were about. I liked what I saw, so I asked around. People spoke highly of you guys. In fact, one person said…

That story tells the interviewer many positive things about you, things that lots of similar blog posts beg you to apply. So, the next time you are on the hot seat, consider using honest storytelling to draw the interviewer into what makes you their ideal candidate.