Why Didn’t Anyone Tell Me The iPod Was Over?

I got into my car this morning clutching my iPod Nano with a grip only an actor auditioning for a shake weight infomercial would understand.

This is partly because it was 16 degrees outside, but I also like to believe that love had to do with at least some of the rigor mortis contained in my appendages (I don’t like typing the word fingers).

In order to listen to my favorite music this week, which mostly consists of the Frozen soundtrack songs I’m not sick of yet and OneRepublic, I have to plug the iPod into an FM transmitter because I’m poor.

The sweet sounds of a terribly confused snowman start to enter my ear, compelling me to start checking what my iPhone has been up to while the car warms up. Feeling impressed that I haven’t checked the phone in about 12 minutes, I eagerly skim through my Tiny Death Star Updates and which articles my friends are drooling over.

Then it happens. Everything changes.

I see the headline that makes me wish that I checked my phone while I was cleaning my oatmeal dishes, but I didn’t because the therapist says I have a problem.

“The Age of the iPod is Over.” Heading.
“Apple’s Game Changer is Riding into The Sunset.” No.

By Sean Hollister. WHY SEAN??

Thanks to Sean’s ahem “analysis” on The Verge about depressing iPod sales over the holidays, my entire world gets flipped upside down.

He uses things like facts and math to prove that iPhones (no! My iPhone did this??) have “cannibalized” their predecessors. I panic.

Luckily, my hands are close to the iPod Nano, and I shut it off immediately. From what I can tell, no one even heard me using it.

But then something dawns on me. My roommate Kenny left for work just 10 minutes ago…and he’s probably using his iPod to listen to Foxy Shazam as I sit in the car feeling sorry for myself.

So I put the car in gear, even though it’s automatic, and fish-tail it out of our neighborhood, barely swerving in time to prevent an accidental school bus stop story that would have certainly been on the news.

I predict that the traffic will only slow me down, along with the fact that I don’t have any music to pump me up while I’m driving. For the first time in forever, I’m on my own.

But then I remember that there is one place Kenny can’t resist visiting before work, even when he’s running late. I don’t know if it’s because he’s from New Jersey, but the man can’t handle going a day without McDonald’s.

I pull into the parking lot peering over the heads of morbidly obese – I mean pleasantly plump – citizens who cloud my efforts to see Kenny. I then realize that he’s in the drive-thru, and I’ve just missed him.

I get back into my car and manage to pull out into the road in time to see Kenny braking behind a yellow light (obviously) so that he can start chowing down on whatever breakfast burrito combo they’re pushing this week.

I manage to move in close enough to the car to see Kenny, but he’s too busy enjoying disgusting food for me to gain his attention. And then I realize there’s only one solution. One disposable item that I can throw at his car in order to make him realize that life is happening.

I say goodbye to my iPod Nano, briefly revisiting the times we’ve shared. The laughs. The pressing “next” after Amy Winehouse comes on because it’s too painful. Then pressing “back” when I realize my mistake.

But it’s nothing but a memory now. I throw the iPod Nano toward Kenny’s driver side window. I then realize that the window is rolled down, so I have to pick the iPod up again and start over.

The iPod hits Kenny’s window at the moment he puts his mouth to paper that is either yellow because of its manufacturer or because of its content. He pauses. He tilts his head toward the window, getting ready to see just what disturbed his morning ritual. As his eyes set on mine, he squints.

I look him dead in the eye and wait for him to roll down his window. “WHAT?”

I explain the situation in one sentence. “The age of the iPod is over!”

Kenny looks down. Then he looks up. “I don’t have an iPod.”

Thanks for reading! This post was kind of a little fictional, though the emotions were definitely real, especially the original article that was, in fact, written by Sean Morris. Sean….

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14 thoughts on “Why Didn’t Anyone Tell Me The iPod Was Over?

  1. My dear sweet Mrs. Emeron has an iPod Touch. I, on the other hand, have a Unix background and therefore my miniature devices tend to be of the android variety. I would like to find her an iPhone however as she is already comfortable with the iPod’s interface which is similar in its function, otherwise her preference would be a Jitterbug or something as simple, phonewise : ) The only thing I really covet in the iPod/iPhone realm is the handy multi-media connector, as well as all the devices with which it can connect. I can of course buy an adapter, but it is not the same thing, alas.

    • You could always settle for the iPod Touch if you don’t want to shell out money for a cellular plan/contract. The Touch has all of the same features through a WiFI connection, which is perfect if she just wants it for the music and video playback. Why do I feel like I’m suddenly at a Genius Bar?

      • I am not quite sure : ) As I mentioned, she has a Touch now, which is why I thought she would enjoy an iPhone as well as be able to use it easily. In any case… I very much enjoyed your story. Nicely done, and very entertaining. Many laughs, most kind.

  2. It’s ok! I still use my iPod nano (which I bought maybe 5 years ago) on an almost daily basis. Clicky wheel and everything. I have an iPhone, but I refuse to add music onto that, mainly because of phone memory issues… But that’s just me 😛

    • I had all of my music on my iPhone as a backup plan, but the new iOS 7 update forced me to get rid of it. Now, I have nothing (kind of ).

  3. Who cares?
    People have been saying that because Nontendo’s having poor sales they should go free to play and go mobile and get rid of the hardware (the Wii U etc). But they don’t. Because they know they’ll be able to make a comeback. Don’t listen to what people say, do whatever you want.

    • Great, so now you’re saying I have to get rid of my Nintendo Wii now? I’ll be right back…

      • No…
        Especially not the Wii.
        If you have the Wii U though, maybe (I still wouldn’t chuck it away).

  4. Don’t really think it will actually be the end of the iPods, guess it’s just easier to say it because of the iPhone and its many perks (mayhaps?). But, truly, is it really that easy to dispose of the one item that will surely have all the music you want to hear at any given time?

  5. My iPod died a water-damaged death a few months ago. This makes me feel better about never resuscitating it.

  6. Hahahahaha.xD Now that was funny?^^
    Couldn’t you at least keep the device just for the sentimental value?:P

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