television

Enough talking, here’s the video.

Thanks to YouTube genius Adam Holt, we now know that there was a secret subplot to Full House all along, and it coincides perfectly with the Washington D.C. deviancy we have come to love from House of Cards.

Michelle Tanner grew up in a home much unlike anyone else’s. She always wondered why the other kids had a mother, while she had three fathers who came across as bumbling idiots.

One was a failed comedian, the other a paranoid neat freak and the last a shady nightclub owner who always found a reason to switch jobs. No one would bat an eye when he would dismiss them with this chilling line, Have Mercy.

Year after year, Michelle continued to watch her life closely, searching desperately for clues to what her family was hiding. There was no way DJ Tanner had gone from a clumsy fool to becoming a hot teenager. There was just no way. All of sudden, Stephanie gave up her dreams to become a dancer for seemingly no reason, never to speak of it again. It was almost as if someone was silencing them.

Michelle asked too many questions. Every time she would come in contact with another one of Joey’s girlfriends, they’d disappear—never to be heard from again. Even her father’s fiance vanished without a trace or explanation.

But she knew they were smart. Since she was young, they’d kept Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend around just long enough to make it seem like everything was normal. As if Michelle didn’t really need to know what actually happened to her mother.

They’d thrown around the easy explanations. Car accident. Stuffed bears as presents. Sappy music mysteriously playing to keep Michelle distracted whenever she inched closer to the truth about Pamela, a woman who looked nothing like her alleged brother.

Eventually, Michelle discovered that someone aside from her manipulative fathers was pulling the strings. They had to be. Uncle Jesse eventually got married, and he tried hard to escape. Michelle could have let him move away from this chaos, but she fooled him into staying. She needed his help, as he was the only person in the family who seemed to let out a subtle cry for help when things took a turn for the unusual. Have mercy.

Michelle was getting older, assembling clues left and right. She was close to figuring out this house she had lived in her whole life—nay, been trapped inside her whole life—could mysteriously add completely new levels and living space overnight. It’s impossible, she’d think tossing and turning at night.

Pretty small for such a full house…

Speaking to her family directly never worked. She’d ask the tough questions, and when they’d start to deflect, Michelle would have no choice but to disarm them with yet another You got it dude, which really meant, I’ll follow along for now.

Everything changed when Michelle took up horseback riding. It was a simple enough distraction that she picked up in about three days. For whatever reason, Michelle discovered she had the incredible ability to learn new skills almost instantly, giving her the chance to train herself for escaping this horrid life. She had tried to escape once before with Comet, making it seem as if she had lost him in the city. She failed to slip away, however, so she needed an activity to increase her stamina.

She grew to love horseback riding, and the time had come when she was good enough to go for her escape. With her new enemy-turned-ally, Michelle rode off in the wilderness, but something—or someone—manipulated the horse from a distance, causing it to throw Michelle and incapacitate her.

In the hospital, a mysterious figure came across Michelle in her comatose state. We don’t know why or how, but he managed to erase her memories, forever eluding her from the truth. She’d recollect pieces of her memory, even believing for a minute that she had a twin sister. She was so close, and yet so far.

And that was the end of it. Until twenty years later, when Michelle Tanner, now 27, has moved to Washington D.C. to run for Congress. Does she remember past?

You got it dude.

This duplicitous, blonde female is out for revenge. She’s going to unravel this Full House of Cards.

Thanks for Reading! You can subscribe to this blog by email via the prompt on the sidebar. Otherwise, be sure to stay connected with me on Twitter (@JonNegroni). I’ll follow you back if you say something witty and awesome.