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Snarcasm: The Mystery of Love Has Finally Been Solved

snarcasm love

Each week on Snarcasm, I tackle the worst articles on the Internet. Isn’t it astounding how long it’s taken me to do an article from Elite Daily?

The alleged “voice of Generation Y” lives up to that weird promise in a piece that’s all about love, baby doll. The ultimatum of clickbait headlines is appropriately titled, “If You Can’t Answer ‘Yes’ To These 5 Questions, She’s Not The One.”

In other words, “Her failure to be your soul mate has everything to do with your knee-jerk reaction to something you just read on Elite Daily.”

Our love guru, Paul Hudson, kicks us off with something we were all on the fence about.

Love is complicated.

Pack it up, boys. Hudson has cracked it.

How do you know if the woman you’re with now is the one you should spend your life loving?

At this point, I’m wondering how the woman must feel about you after walking in on you reading Elite Daily in order to figure out who you’re going to marry.

Do you “just know,” or are there practical questions you should be asking yourself?

Gee, I don’t know. It’s not like there’s a third option where you ask practical questions to the girl you’re supposedly in love with. Best not to get her involved, though.

Is there some sort of checklist or guide?

“Can I Google it?”

“Nope, love is complicated.”

Love seems mysterious, and maybe even impossible to define.

Right, ignore those countless texts and definitions compiled over thousands of years by people who are far more intelligent than you. Love is way too complicated for your edumacation.

People often say that words fail to appropriately capture love.

Well, if people often say it, then it must be true.

I, for one, believe it isn’t the words that fail. It’s the people who use them.

OK, let’s scenario this.

“What do you think love means, honey?”

“Well, I think it has to do with that moment right before the suggested hashtags give you the one that’s spelled just right.”

“This isn’t working out.”

Point, Paul Hudson.

Love is a natural, logical result of two compatible souls meeting.

Look at that! Hudson is acknowledging how love comes from the actions of two people. What a step forwar—

The real question is: What’s “just right”?

New York accent: “How much can I get outta this whole thing, huh?”

But wait. “Love is complicated.” How can—

You can find the answer through a few simple questions.

Implodes

1. Has your life drastically improved since you met her?

So, her contingency on being “the one” (which hasn’t been defined yet) depends on the quality of your life? Look, I know this is a website for millennials, but even Bieber would call that too narcissistic.

Are you happier? Do you have a better outlook on life? Do your problems seem less dire and more manageable? Do you have more good days than bad days now? If all of this is true, she may very well be “the one.” 

Paul Hudson must own Elizabethtown on Blu Ray.

This is beyond irresponsible for anyone to write and publish. Elite Daily is telling you to cross off a personal checklist of desires that could be entirely separated from anything within the control of your significant other and then telling you to dump those expectations on her.

Here’s a real question: Do you make her happier? Is her life improving? That’s a far better rubric for knowing if she deserves you, not the other way around.

2. Do you smile every time you see her, think of her and talk to her? If you do, then you’re in love — and that’s really the most important sign.

I sympathize with what Hudson is sort of not really getting at, but this is just a soft way of asking, “Is she perfect?”

Because no girl is going to make you smile EVERY time you see her, think of her, and talk to her. You’re going to fight. You’re going to have bad days when you take your significant other for granted.

Being in love has nothing to do with a perpetual state of hedonistic butterflies in your stomach. If you still care for someone even when they aren’t making you smile (because apparently women are now 90s McDonald’s) then yeah, that’s a sign of this oh, so complicated “love.”

If you feel happy just being reminded of her existence, then what you have is true love.

The first four words of that sentence sum up the pure garbage that is this entire article.

If you love her, she very well may be the one.

Oh, is that all?

3. Can you talk to her for hours on end without getting bored or feeling awkward?

Because God forbid awkward moments or times when two people are out of sync.

If talking to her is one of your least favorite things to do, why are you even dating her?

Well, that wasn’t the question. Hudson is trying to say that companionship and conversation is essential to having a good relationship, and that’s certainly true. Even 10 year olds who just read Twilight would tell you that.

But his qualifier is, “She can’t make you feel bored or awkward.”

Dating Paul Hudson must be like dating one of the townspeople from Parks and Recreation.

4. Is she there for you?

Not, “are you there for her.” That’s more of a Buzzfeed thing.

The key to finding an amazing life partner is finding someone who lives up to her role in your life.

If you’re a guy reading this and you want to grasp how absolutely insulting this is, just switch the roles for a second. Can you imagine an article telling your girlfriend to determine your worth by whether or not “you live up to your role in her life?”

Is she there for you when you need her to be? Is she someone who supports you, motivates you and keeps you on track? Or does she hang out just when it’s convenient for her?

The problem with Hudson’s line of thinking here is that real “partnerships” like this take time to develop, and he’s failing to talk about what the guy should be expecting at each point in the relationship.

Some girls aren’t going to be your fully supportive cheerleader early on in the relationship, especially if you haven’t developed a friendship yet. Sometimes, girls just want to have a relationship for the fun of it, and not feel pressured to commit fully until they’ve gotten to know you better. That’s not a reason to swear them off.

People have different expectations of how relationships progress. An honest, responsible question would be, “Have you talked to her about the future?” That’s when you can have a real conversation about whether or not you see the relationship going anywhere, and if you have the same expectations.

Instead, Hudson wants you to implant your girlfriend on a pedestal without giving her any warning or heads up. Love is complicated, alright.

5. Has she opened up to you and let you into her life?

You get it at this point, right? Hudson’s questions center around nothing but one of the most selfish definitions of love you can explore. “What’s in it for me?” is what he wants you to ask, ultimately, before deciding that someone “deserves being your one.”

You need a woman in your life who loves you with every atom in her body. Never settle for less.

Ah, now I get it. I’m reading the diary of a lovesick teenager, because that’s the only way someone could put forth ideas like this and call it true love. Fault Elite Daily however you want, but at least they have decent editors.

 

Hey! If you’ve come across a silly article that deserves the Snarcasm treatment, send it my way via Twitter or the comments below!

I’m Jon and thanks for reading this. You can subscribe to my posts by clicking “Follow” in the right sidebar. Or just say hey on Twitter! @JonNegroni

 

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Chivalry Isn’t Dead. It Just Looks Different.

Chivalry means a lot of different things to a lot of different people. But it certainly isn’t “dead.”

The popularized version might be. That is, if you define the merit of a concept by how it permeates culture. In that sense, many of us (myself included) would concede that the “mainstream” version of chivalry as defined by “knights in shining armor” and a strict code of etiquette is certainly an afterthought for most people.

And if you only define chivalry literally, then I suppose you consider it to have been dead since the days of medieval knights in shining armor.

But that’s not the type of chivalry we’re talking about, and it’s not even close to what our elders would call it.

The widespread view of chivalry comes down to various types of acts that are influenced by a holistic attitude. The acts in question are things like opening doors for others, taking someone out on a nice date and exercising manners.

As I said before, these acts are influenced by an attitude that begs them genuine. The attitude is a layer of sincere respect for the person receiving the kind acts you’ve bestowed upon them.

Put that way, it’s easy to see why chivalry doesn’t have to be constrained to just one gender or even role someone may play.

Chivalry can be an extension of how you treat your parents, friends and neighbors. Not just your lover. But that’s getting out of focus.

Sticking with just the lover thing, chivalry is commonly placed on the shoulders of men, and I believe rightly so. That doesn’t mean men are the only members of society to be chivalrous. It just means that chivalry is expected from men by men.

We set the example, basically, and it’s no one else’s fault when we fall short (no matter what Elite Daily tells you). Women shouldn’t have to tell men that they need to step up their manners, for example. Men should be telling each other.

Now, this is the part where we lament over how men are no longer chivalrous. It’s “dead” or something. But I think you’re talking about something else. The acts we associate with chivalry are falling by the wayside, maybe. Fewer men seem to be willing to evoke the symbol of a “modern” gentleman, whatever that means (because it’s so difficult to easily define what a modern gentleman is or is even supposed to be).

chivalry

The idea of doing things to prove that you’re chivalrous isn’t as popular these days for a lot of reasons. But that attitude of respect and dignity toward the opposite sex? If you pay closer attention, you’ll find that many men and women still exercise this. No one has to tell you that respect is a good thing. It’s something we still expect and appreciate when we see it.

Over time, I think it’s been easier for women to see through the empty, fake chivalry that men use to receive a reward. That is, men who use chivalry as a tool, instead of a lifestyle, to win the woman’s body over her heart.

So men have adjusted. Many aren’t as quick to “fake it” and be a nice guy because they know it’s futile. You either have that attitude of chivalry, or you don’t. If you do have that attitude, you’re still not a perfect gentleman. You’ll still make mistakes. But you’re working toward that role when you default to the idea of being kind, over being reckless.

I see chivalry everywhere. Not as much as I see disrespect, sadly. But I still see it when men ask a girl on a date face to face instead of texting her. I see it when someone opens a door for someone else, regardless of gender. And I see it when men don’t rush intimacy out of respect for the other person and themselves.

And yes, many men exercise “traditional” chivalry honestly and successfully.

Of course, I suspect my standards might not be high enough. If you’re like me, you were raised to always go the extra mile when it comes to respecting others. Not just with your attitude, but with actions that reflect that attitude. I just wouldn’t be so quick to judge one man’s chivalry over another’s. You know, unless it’s terrible.

 

Thanks for reading! You can subscribe to this blog by email via the prompt on the sidebar. Otherwise, be sure to stay connected with me on Twitter (@JonNegroni). I’ll follow you back if you say something witty and awesome.

Why I Love Valentine’s Day (Even Though I’m Single)

I wrote this article for Scryptwriter, a new content writing website I started for aspiring writers (maybe you?). Anyway, I wanted to share this piece about Valentine’s Day in particular because it is definitely something important I have to say about a holiday that I consider vastly underrated.

Click here to read the article on Scryptwriter, and be sure to send the site some love. I’m building it to help writers get published and put in front of a great audience. If you’re interested in joining up, let me know in the contact email that you’re a reader of this site.

Enjoy the words.

Thanks for Reading! You can subscribe to this blog by email via the prompt on the sidebar. Otherwise, be sure to stay connected with me on Twitter (@JonNegroni). I’ll follow you back if you say something witty and awesome.

How Not To Date Your Best Friend

how not to date your best friend

Is it love? Or is it unconditional love?

You’ve been friends with this person for months, maybe years.

Everyone tells you that the two of you are the next Harry and Sally, whatever that means.

You’re attracted to how easy and fun your platonic relationship is with this person.

And yet you still have no idea what to do about it.

Because the question of, “Will this ruin our friendship?” burns in your mind every time the subject is brought up or close to getting brought up.

Most people assume that the woman is always the one to hesitate in this respect, while the man is ready to move the friendship into something more.

This is definitely true in a lot of cases, but men go through the same thought process.

Ladies, I’ve come to believe something depressing: Most guys only want to become your best friend in order to date you.

I know this because I’ve done it, and so has almost every guy I’ve ever met or come in contact with. We talk about it. We don’t like to admit it to you.

Maybe there’s a bright side. Maybe it’s OK to be flattered by the fact that a guy is willing to be friends with you before harassing you with dating requests.

The only problem is that constructs like the friend zone require an immense amount of maturity to navigate, and most guys don’t have the ability to handle that. So for that, ladies, I’m sorry.

But know that even if the guy has an agenda, it can come from good intentions. He’s probably just handling it wrong. He’s attracted to you, but he doesn’t want to quickly ask you out before getting to know you (or he fears rejection…there are plenty of possibilities.)

Let’s be honest. This is borderline manipulative on his part. If the man in the friendship only wants to date you, then you’re in trouble. Every move he makes is going to work toward his advantage first and foremost — instead of yours.

He’ll talk trash about the guys you bring up in conversation (sometimes with clever subtlety), and he may even orchestrate ways to keep you from other friends and possible love interests. For that, ladies, I’m sorry. A lot of us are simply unprepared to handle the responsibility of delicate relationships like this, and human beings are generally terrible at being good to each other as is.

Here’s my story. I’ve always hated the idea of dating your best friend. I’ve never had luck with it, starting with the first time a “best friend” convinced me to stop dating someone else for her (Yes, it works both ways).

Of course, this was back in High School, and that dark four-year time period does a lot of damage to all of us. So much so that it took me years to recover and am still a changed person (she broke up with me a month later). Perhaps for the better.

You’d think I would have learned my lesson, but 5 years after that, the exact situation repeated itself. Best friend + lured me away from another girl = broke up with me a month (and 1 week) later. History repeats itself and all that. Only difference is that we’re still friends years later.

The good news is that these experiences have allowed me to appreciate the close friendships I’ve cultivated with women regardless of whether or not we would end up dating. It’s actually a freedom I wouldn’t dare discontinue.

The best part is that most of you ladies are actually willing to let a guy into your life without having an agenda of your own because most of you understand how a platonic relationship can be just as rewarding as a romantic one.

That’s huge.

But this still doesn’t address the most important problem I see with people who are pressured into dating their best friends. Don’t get me wrong — I firmly believe that growing a romantic relationship from a close friendship is one of the best ways to find someone you can spend the rest of your life with.

We just need to take a step back and examine some things first.

First off, and this is for the men out there, be ridiculously honest. Communicate. If you are attracted to your best friend and you notice the friendship becoming more intimidate, tell the girl how you feel.

It’s scary.

It’s real.

It’s necessary.

If you hold back or ignore your feelings, letting them fester unchecked, then you’re setting yourself up for inevitable pain. The friendship is at actual risk of being ruined when you wait far too long and then drop the “I have feelings for you” bomb. In other words, the longer you wait, the harder and riskier the conversation will be.

The key is to be transparent before you start building a close friendship. If you haven’t asked her out yet because you want to be friends first, then let her know. Let her know that you are attracted to her, but you’re willing to stay friends and be platonic, at least for now. If she isn’t fine with this, she now has a chance to opt out. The same works the other way around.

And if the truth is that you only want to be her friend for the sake of a romantic relationship, then walk away and do some soul-searching. Guys, there is much more to life than seeking a wife, and if that’s all you want from women you aren’t related to, then you need to be single for a while.

So tell the girl how you feel before you let the friendship progress, assuming you have strong feelings in the first place. If it’s basic attraction, you likely don’t need to say anything depending on your maturity level. We’re talking about actual, heart-ready feelings and a craving for true intimacy.

The worst case scenario is that she won’t reciprocate your feelings, but she will hopefully appreciate a clearing of the year. She doesn’t have to wonder what your intentions are. There’s no room for awkwardness anymore because you’ve filled it with a possibility of honest friendship.

At this point, you’ll know exactly where you stand with the other person, and you don’t have to begin pining away for someone who will always see you as a friend and nothing more. You can finally invest healthy emotions into the friendship, which means you both benefit.

Do you know why most friendships end when the guy does tell the girl how he feels? Resentment. Either he will resent the girl for rejecting her when he was so sure she wouldn’t (perhaps because he waited too long), or she will resent him for having an agenda.

This isn’t a science, but don’t wait too long. Prevent resentment by promoting transparency. You can’t resent someone for being honest with you from the beginning.

If she rejects you, then I can almost guarantee that the girl will stay friends with you, and if she doesn’t, it’s fine to move on.

After all, she’s not stupid. She’s likely wondered whether or not you have “other” feelings, and she’s probably waiting for you to just be honest about them.

Ladies, be ridiculously honest. Men can take it. Leading us on for the sake of sparing our short-term emotions can do more damage than you might realize, even if you’re unaware of whether or not you’re leading a man on.

“I’m not ready for a relationship right now.” If you say something to this effect, then the guy (or girl, if the roles are switched) will assume that you will be ready for a relationship with him or her later.

Just be honest. Tell the person you want to be friends. You don’t have to explain it any further. If the guy asks you why you only want to be friends, then say you just want to be friends. You’re not obligated to dissect every emotion you have for the sake of his pride.

That said, handle with care. If the man is willing to talk to you about how he actually, brutally feels, then you’re dealing with someone who is worthy of being your best friend. Why would you want to be confide in someone who doesn’t have the integrity to let you know exactly what the deal is?

Finally, and this is for everyone, you don’t have to date your best friend. You just don’t. Don’t let the pressure from other people and external obligations dictate your personal life.

I think for some of us, we want to date our best friend because we may not be confident in our ability to find compatibility with another human being from the ground up. But do you really believe the odds are against your favor that much?

Give yourself, and the world, a little credit.


 

Relationships Are a Lot Like Mobile Apps

When you download a mobile app, there is an initial excitement. You can’t wait to explore everything about it. Not even the bad things seem to bother you, like slow loading times and  an awkward interface.

Friends get bothered by how much time you spend with that mobile app. Every opportunity you get is spent on that app, alienating you from your other responsibilities.

relationships

Over time, however, the enthusiasm you once had for the mobile app you now possess has waned. You’re just not that into it anymore.

Maybe it’s because it wasn’t as great as you thought it would be. “This is fair,” you might think to yourself as you spend less and less time with the app you once couldn’t rip yourself away from.

You don’t want to fully break off the relationship you have with this app. You’ve both been through so much together, and you want it to still maybe be there in the future. You know, when you’re not quite as sick of it anymore. It’s harsh, but that’s how you really feel.

The problem is that what you really need to do is just delete the app from your phone. Any future interactions are going to be awkward anyway, and it’ll never really be the same. But you insist on trying to keep that app on the hook, tucked away in a folder for potential use.

But the mobile app isn’t ready to let you go either. It starts notifying you all of the time, begging for you to spend time with it again. You may even receive emails, reminding you of the features the app you used to offer you, pleading for your return.

The notifications become incessant, and you begin to realize that deleting the app should’ve been your first move. But you’re in deep now, and ripping off that band aid is going to hurt.

And now, you’re staring at the delete button, petrified. “What about all of the data this app has stored about me? Will deleting it at this point even matter?”

It’s true that the app may be still linked to your social media profiles and even email. You almost feel obligated to just get back together with that app out of sheer convenience. But you’re not a monster. You do what needs to be done. You remove the app from your phone once and for all.

You still see the app once in a while, hanging around the app store or being mentioned by a friend on Facebook. It bothers you less and less, however, as time goes by. You’ve moved on. You’re over that mobile app.

And that’s how relationships are like mobile apps. For the record, deleting an app isn’t being compared to killing the person. If your mind went there, please contact your local mental health counselor. I’ll probably be in the appointment right before you.

Thanks for reading! You can subscribe to this blog by email via the prompt on the sidebar. Otherwise, be sure to stay connected with me on Twitter (@JonNegroni). I’ll follow you back if you say something witty and awesome.

Defining Courtship and Why Society Needs it Again

courtship

I published an article yesterday entitled “Why Every Relationship Needs Courtship,” with the hope that I would spark a conversation about what it means to partake in responsible romance. Want to know something interesting? I also expected the subject to be controversial and initially rejected by readers…but it didn’t.

Go on…Defining Courtship and Why Society Needs it Again

5 Things I Wish I Knew About Relationships in College

College is like a big party where you spend time with several different people, some longer, some shorter. Post-college is when we realize just how awkward we were throughout.

Go on…5 Things I Wish I Knew About Relationships in College

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