Welcome to No More Questions, where I ask the stars you know and love everything you want to know and love.
When I say I’ve been waiting all my life to sit down with Melissa McCarthy from this weekend’s wide release, The Boss, I really mean to say that I’ve been waiting since I reread the film slate to make sure there wasn’t anyone else on the list.
Two screened phone calls from Jake Gyllenhaal later, I managed to get some face time with the face of McCarthyism, which her publicist keeps emailing me not to say for some reason. Thanks to my spam folder, however, we have a No More Questions made for the fans.
(Note: No More Questions is satire. It does not reflect the actual views of Melissa McCarthy, Jon Negroni, or anyone else mentioned in this interview, even Joseph McCarthy . Some of the content in this interview comes from actual quotes by Melissa McCarthy in other interviews. Seriously.)
JN: Hi Melissa. Thanks for doing this interview today.
MC: Thanks Jon, glad to—
JN: Are you racist?
MC: (eyes dart back and forth) Uh, no? Did I say your name wrong, or—
JN: You said it perfectly. That’s why I’m suspicious.
MC: (tries to laugh) Yeah, OK. Anyway, glad to—
JN: Do you think you’re better than me, just because you’ve won an Emmy?
MC: Uh, well I also won a few People’s Choice awards, so…
JN: Wow. Real humble. You put the ME in Melissa, for sure.
MC: If you don’t shut your Puerto Rican mouth, I’ll do it for you.
JN: (leans backward, looking slightly attracted all of a sudden) Melissa, no one can deny that it’s hilarious watching you talk and move. Does that relate to the scenes in which you dance in The Boss?
MC: That’s one dream off my bucket list. I love to dance. I love it. Going to dance rehearsals for two weeks was the coolest.
JN: Uh, you’re a Hollywood star, Melissa. You were the third highest-paid actress of 2015. You, uh, could’ve taken dance classes anytime you want.
MC: Third highest? Oh, so I made minimum wage?
(we both laugh and high five)
JN: Real talk. Your new movie doesn’t make any sense and looks idiotic. So why did you make it?
MC: Well, sometime after Identity Thief, I came to the conclusion that I can totally make a ton of money by being in terrible movies. Way more than good ones, you know?
JN: So, The Boss is a bad movie?
MC: I’m not allowed to say, but we are talking about a movie that centers around girl scouts being guided by a weird cross-section of Nancy Grace and Oprah. Actually, saying it out loud makes me think this movie is genius.
JN: Right, I’m onboard now, actually. I’ve heard rumors from inside my head that you and Kristen Bell are mortal enemies.
MC: They’re true.
JN: Is it the sloths thing?
MC: Look, they’re dopey animals, and easily the most overhyped aspect of Zootopia.
JN: Does this affect your stance as a furry?
MC: God, no. I ship Nick and Judy up and down the street. Here’s a fan theory for you: Zootopia takes place in the same universe as Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist.
JN: I’m completely listening.
MC: And that obviously means these movies share a timeline with Scott Pilgrim vs. the World and How to Deal.
MC: Which brings me back to my main point. Kristen Bell can go sloth herself.
JN: Melissa, a lot of people claim you don’t really have talent. Can you speak to that?
MC: OK, well, who does? I’m trying my best over here while Shia LaBeouf is literally making YouTube videos.
JN: So you want to be in a meme?
MC: Well, that was part of my contract in Ghostbusters, but I’ve been spending most of my Internet points on Jimmy Fallon sketches ever since they cast Leslie Jones.
JN: Were you a fan of Batman v Superman?
MC: Why? What have you heard…
JN: This is a safe place, Melissa. No one really reads this website (sneakily covers up subscription count in the sidebar)…
MC: OK, look, I liked it. I actually loved it. It’s the best superhero movie of all time!
(Kristen Bell walks in and studio audience starts cheering)
KB: I knew it. I slothing knew it.
MC: Is that a studio audience?
JN: (turns off studio audience app on phone) Kristen, thanks for arriving on such short notice.
KB: You texted me that the Veronica Mars remake was shooting here, but this is just a weird website with Pixar characters all over it.
JN: I brought you here, Kristen, so you and Melissa can hash this thing out. I tapped your phone lines two weeks ago, so I know all too well how Batman v Superman has been ripping your friendship apart.
MC: Not my fault. She’s the one who called me a fanboy.
JN: Is this true, Kristen? Did you call her that?
KB: Fine, I did. And I’d do it again if she brought up Dark Knight Returns one more slothing time—
MC: Batman DOES kill in that comic, Kristen! And in like every movie besides the one with Batnipples!
KB: MARTHA, MARTHA, MARTHA! THERE. NOW WE’RE BEST FRIENDS.
MC: Oh, I’m about to bust this blonde ghost (gets out of chair with fists clenched).
KB: WHO YOU GONNA CALL? SUPERMAN? HE DOESN’T EVEN RESCUE PEOPLE.
MC: HE RESCUES THE CHICK ON THE ROOFTOP, SARAH MARSHALL.
JN: Well, that’s all the time we have this week (ducks to avoid flying chair). Thanks for joining us for No More Questions. We’ll see you next week—(gets body slammed by Dax Shepard).
The Boss opens in theaters April 8, 2016.
I’m Jon and thanks for reading this. You can subscribe to my posts by clicking “Follow” in the right sidebar. Or just say hey on Twitter! @JonNegroni